He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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