it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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