I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think my mom watched the whole time
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
