Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
