To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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