I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
