Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you inspire me to be a worse person
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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