I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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