I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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