Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
