I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
