Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
