I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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