Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
