I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
