and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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