Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
