Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
