thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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