My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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