The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
