I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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