Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
