Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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