I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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