I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Randomize
