Ambien. No doubt about it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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