In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
