We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
