It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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