the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
