i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
