Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
