Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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