The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if only i could text you this smell
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
