i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
