i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
