So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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