She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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