it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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