Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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