hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
