Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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