the only muscles i have these days is kegels
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
