It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
