What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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