so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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