Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
