Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
