Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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