You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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