I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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