You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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