god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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